HOW TO CONSULT THE SPHINX ON ALL MANNER OF THINGS

In this modern day, it is difficult for the “pathless” (that’s you and me) to find respectable oracles that might offer either prophetic insight or incomprehensible mush to pathify our directionless lives. Telephone psychics have been washed from the earth by a flood of exposés, the daily horoscope applies to too many of us at once to make us feel special, and the local churches blather on and on about deity this and deity that and I can't for the life of me figure out why. So with an antiquarian’s eye, a classicist’s touch, and a philologist's tongue, I recommend that old standby, the Great Sphinx.

In days of yore, she was quite the lady. She always sat in the same place and challenged passersby to a game of riddle me this or I'll kill you flat. Most people lost, which then allowed her to eat them (those were the rules, bucko). What is striking is that she never lost her girlish figure, sedentary lifestyle and flesh-eating notwithstanding. As the years past, people learned just to avoid her road. "I wouldn't go that a way if I were you, bud." "No? Why not?" "Sphinx." "You mean that half-cat, half-girl thing?" "Yup, that's the one." "Wow, I thought she was dead." "Nope. Just naps a lot." "Thebes doesn't get many visitors, eh?" "Not really." "Any other way into the city?" "You could try the back room of the cigar shop up the way." "I might do that, thanks."

Legend has it that Oedipus answered her riddle correctly and she killed herself over it. But big half-lion ladies aren't that easily trumped. She had these little wings tucked in along her flank and she used those to keep from dying. Oedipus, true to his future, didn't bother to look over the edge. He just turned around and walked away, BLIND TO THE TRUTH.

And now we know she's alive today. She doesn't ask riddles anymore (men are too savvy for her), but she does offer her services as an oracle. Unfortunately, nobody can find her, so in order to get our answers, we must visit the greatest sphinx in the world: the Great[est] Sphinx of Giza. In Egypt. Because she is made of stone, you probably won't get much of an answer, but it's worth a try: she's almost 4,000 years old. Lots of wisdom in those old bones.

SOME TIPS WHEN CONSULTING THE ORACULAR SPHINX
1. Be vague. You've got one shot, so pick your question carefully. You want direction, not answers. "Where is grandfather's secret will" isn't going to work. Neither will, "How can I get better gas mileage for my '98 Corolla?" Make the questions vague so that the oracle can do what oracles do best.
2. Bring Gifts. Sphinxes like fruit in non-varnished baskets, songs sung angelically by boys choirs of no fewer than six lads, toothpicks (made of oak) , or ceramic blankets to help with that erosion problem she struggles with (any size will do and she's grateful for what she can get).
3. Yell loudly. The wind blows strong in Egypt. Plus, she's old. But don't tell her that you know.
4. Listen carefully. The wind blows strong in Egypt. Place your ear next to her lips. Don't be afraid, she hasn't eaten anybody since Oedipus Rex bested her. If you can't hear anything, look for the headphone jack on the right hand side of her lips (her right).
5. Interpret with care. Many people will tell you a) that oracles suck and b) that your interpretation is wrong. Whether or not they're right, you should go on your instincts. What you hear is what you hear and there's no denying it. They didn't spend the money on a round trip ticket to Egypt and stay in a cheap hotel crawling with bed scarabs, only to find themselves caught in a miserable dust storm that made the Canopic Tours bus tour a complete waste of money. And they didn't climb the stone bitch's torso only to find a really lukewarm pair of impassive lips and a load of no-oracling and no headphones jack either. And then they didn't suffer the embarrassment of discovering that the oracles of ancient Greece are alive and well and a lot more pleasant to consult, being windy holes in the ground tended by beautiful young women who show more than adequate concern for your troubles.
6. Follow her advice. No matter what. Otherwise you've wasted your money. And that's the real lesson here, kids. If you spent it, it was worth it. No matter what.