THE PET IS A REFLECTION OF THE PETTER

Bad, Human. Good, Dog. The teeter-totter of evolutionary superiority has just slammed me to the ground. The mirror of my inadequacy is my slobbery friend. If only she knew that she could bite the hand that feeds her and get away with it...

Many Americans in my neighborhood are troubled by their own inability to be “good pet owners.” “Just what is a good pet owner?“ I ask them, hoping to free them from doubt with a little old-fashioned self-examination. But their dog answers for them. He shakes his head while the owner remains silent in shame. I say, “Relax, it’s probably not your fault, America!” Dogs of the world tilt their heads, not quite understanding my exclamation. It’s time to change!

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOUR PET MAKES YOU LOOK BAD. HERE’S HOW TO MAKE LIFE BETTER AND EASIER TOO.
        ❑        Pet might be too strong a word for your animal. A substitute word or phrase will help to orient you more accurately in relation to your Black Plague, your Old Mother’s Legacy, your Best Replacefriend, your Inland Emperor, or your Sticky Licker.
        ❑        If troubled by the troublesome behavior of the “pet,” consider replacing it with a pet who is a little younger (one year less is recommended). This allows you to start over again, but not from the beginning, which is sure to humiliate you. Observe the younger pet’s behavior for signs of the older pet’s wayward ways. If nothing is learned, repeat the process ad nauseum until the purchase of a pet embryo. Stop there if still unsuccessful. Consider retreat from the world of pets.
        ❑        Paste photographs of animals that share a stool with your pet at the species bar of life: Photographs are well-behaved and often better looking than your pet, which should make it feel inadequate. Keep them low, no higher than a foot and a half off the ground. The resulting docility is bound to please. This method has forebears in that great Italian laugh-fest, Il Purgatorio, by that snappy dresser, Dante.
        ❑        If Number 3 has you worried about ruining the paint job of your dining room, try fantasizing aloud about those fantastical creatures we call well-behaved pets. Coo names your pet has never heard, piquing its curiosity. Accidentally (“accidentally”) say another pet’s name while rubbing your pet’s belly or in greeting. If necessary, leave pamphlets from local shelters lying around.
        ❑        Bulk up the muscle in your disciplinary arm. One should never beat one’s pet, but one should at all times appear to be able to do so.
        ❑        Give your body a break and purchase a whip. You’ve probably discovered from Number 5 that too much dieting and exercise can be dull and damaging to the self-esteem. The whip is one of the few symbols of masculinity that can be worn in public and not suck scorn into the lungs of the bearer. Also, other humans don’t consider a whip to be a weapon; paradoxically, they will scatter when you take it off your shoulder. Your pet will too.
        ❑        Blame the pet and get a human instead. Harder than it sounds.